Being lonely is different from what you think. It’s a mental thing. It’s not just being alone physically, not simply the physical absence of company causing you to yearn to surround yourself with individuals just because you want to socialize. You yearn to surround yourself with people around you so that the presence of others can distract you from loneliness. Loneliness, see, it is a constant and consistent feeling, the fear, the sadness, the desperation of wanting something, but yet you do not know what it is. You are lonely and empty, and the loneliness actually causes the emptiness, forcing you to try and find something, anything, to fill up that emptiness. You are alone. Mentally, even if you physically aren’t. As mentioned before, you fill yourself in rooms full of people, familiar and friendly faces, momentarily filling up the deep darkness and emptiness inside of you. And for a brief moment, you are content. But in an instance, you’re being content with the situation changes and the loneliness comes back, and the momentary happiness slips away into thin air. It is a vicious cycle. We strive to fill our loneliness. But we don’t know how to fill it, or what to fill it with. We try to find passions, careers, relationships. Or we use external methods of escape such as facing the bottle or taking that pill. But the artificial happiness created by external factors such as love and other drugs soon and suddenly evaporate. We find or search for pointless careers in which we try to find a purpose within such careers hoping we find our calling, or purpose. Some lucky ones find such purpose, but us, the lonely, cannot. Soon such loneliness will return to haunt us. The empty space within us will always fill up with momentary and artificial happiness before we are drained and stripped of such happiness or empathy, leaving us just as empty as we were before. But despite our faults, our loneliness, we smile through the pain, through the despair, the emptiness, and through the loneliness. We don’t know how to solve it, but we are trying to. There is no scientific cure for loneliness as I believe that loneliness correlates with our souls, not simply our genetic makeup regarding cognitive function. Loneliness is a matter of the soul, a soul who feels empty and alone, yet through the pain, we know we must persevere. So we smile, we are lonely, but we smile because that is exactly what we need to do. We cannot let our loneliness engulf us, we cannot let our sadness bury us. We cannot hide it, but what we can do, is fight it. Smile, day by day, fight by fight, battle with loneliness, and eventually one lone-full night, the loneliness will evaporate because we have won the fight. You cannot give up, be brave and be bright. Loneliness sucks, but we must persevere and not let it take our lives. Smile, because someday everything will be alright.

I spent some time thinking about what to put into my journal today.

All I could think of is that I now have peace of mind and, therefore, freedom.

It took years to feel this way and I wish freedom and peace for all people.

I have been living in the country for 14 years now.

Other than the fact you need a car to get around, there is nothing like living in the country.

The sights and sounds of the mountains and woods make it a soothing place to live.

This time of year is particularly nice as the leaves start to change color.

The people out here are not the only ones to share the beauty of Mother Nature.

Every once in awhile a lone bear or a mother bear and her cubs will come walking through our back yard,  usually looking for food.

Many times we will see deer eating from our apple tree.

My brother put out a big salt cube for the deer to lick at.

I am thankful for my life in the country and hope to be here a long time!

Writing a journal is a commitment.

I need a second chance at tending this journal and making it a daily routine.

It does me good to write down my thoughts and feelings and I commit to doing it daily.

I look forward to tomorrow.

One thing I check out at sunrise is the weather.

Whether I plan to be inside or out that day,  it helps the psyche to know what Mother Nature has in store for us.

No matter what kind of weather,  it is always nice to have another day of special life!

Before going into the Navy I used to take good care of my teeth.

Once in the Navy, I became a Dental Tech and took excellent care of my teeth.

I cleaned many teeth as a hygienist and taught many service men and women how to clean their teeth.  I took x-rays and assisted the dentist.

But shortly after leaving the Navy I got 10 abscesses on my upper teeth and 12 abscesses on my lower teeth even though I continued to take excellent care of them.

It must of been in my genes  (my dad had the same thing happen to him).

So now I have full upper and lower dentures.

Now I take excellent care of my dentures.

Today I woke up.

My mom lives on Long Island, New York in a two bedroom apartment.

She is 95 years old and has dementia.

She has 3 aides that take turns caring for her 7 days a week and she lives only a mile away from my sister and her family.

My brother and I come from Scranton to visit her about once a month. We saw her this past Sunday and, although it is sad to see her with dementia, it is a joy to hear her voice and see her laugh.

I tell her to stay healthy, she could live to be 110!

My sister and her family also stopped by and you could tell how much my mom enjoyed all of us being there!

When it was time to leave, she shed a few tears as if she knew she would not see us for awhile.

Her love will live in our hearts forever.

I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease 5 months ago.

Seven months ago, I was also diagnosed with 2 slipped discs and arthritis in my back.

If it’s not one thing, it’s another! If not mental then physical!

Wow!

So-o-o, in addition to my ongoing mental therapy, I have seen a chiropractor, a medical doctor, a neurosurgeon, a neurologist – and I am currently getting care from a physical therapist, an occupational therapist and a speech therapist!

The place I go to for treatment of my Parkinson’s disease is well known for it’s excellent therapy.  I go 3 times a week and I am given things to do at home.

With a lot of hard work and hope,  I can beat this disease.

One cold day in January 1978, I decided to go to a church in Delaware to celebrate Martin Luther King’s birthday.

I arrived in Wilmington, parked my bright green VW and walked around the streets.

I heard church bells but I could not find a church. Up one street and down the next, I kept walking and listening and looking but still did not find a church.

Eventually, I decided to go home but I could not find my car.

I thought, “I know what I’ll do…I’ll walk home and it will be a peace walk in honor of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.”

I started walking on the inter-state highway and a state trooper pulled up and told me I was not allowed to walk on the inter-state.  I left the inter-state and started to follow some railroad tracks.

At one point my step-father and mother just happen to be going under a bridge and saw me.  My step-father got out of the car and yelled to me, “Your killing your mother!”

I yelled back, “I have to keep walking!”

I remember I had on my heavy winter jacket, suit, and dress shoes.

I walked about 10 miles and found a road that was familiar. I walked another 15 miles to get home.

When I got home I took off my shoes and my feet were covered with blisters.

The next day my sister and I went back to Delaware and found my car which was covered with parking fines.

You might say this was one of my manic phases.